The Discipline Of Submission

I have arrived at Chapter Eight in Richard Foster's book 'The Celebration of Discipline'.

What a difficult chapter this is for me; the Discipline of Submission.

By nature a perfectionist and critical of others' imperfections; by birth an eldest child used to taking charge and being independent; by profession a teacher used to instructing others; by heritage a person who is stubborn and unyielding.

I struggle with this chapter as I am all the things above and yet I am also the person that Foster describes who tries to avoid any sort of conflict and tries to please everyone. I am the person who avoids giving her opinion until everyone else has said their part, so I do not cause 'ripples' with what I say - or, if I do, I can present my opinion in a way so as to cause least disruption to the group.

This inner tension costs me endless energy.

Foster outlines seven practical areas in which we can learn to be submissive:

1. To God the Father, Jesus the Son and the Holy Spirit
2. To the Scriptures as the Word of God
3. To our families
4. To our neighbours and colleagues
5. To our church family
6. To the 'broken and despised' people of the world
7. To our world, the environment and the generations to come

At our study group on Friday, I could not get hold of how to move on in this discipline. I struggle with myself but I also struggle with the idea of where the healthy boundaries are.

1. When do I stop being a 'doormat' and stand up for myself?
2. When do I stop being a 'people pleaser' and say what I really think?
3. When do I accept the words of Christian leaders and when do I follow my own path?
4. When do I put the other person first and when do I put myself first?
5. When someone causes me pain, should I put their needs first and go on accepting the pain or break off the relationship to protect myself?

I found Foster's chapter singularly unhelpful! It did not seem to give me any practical help at all. He does indicate that the boundary lies where submission becomes destructive. Even that seems ambiguous.

Coming from a church tradition where 'putting others first' is solemnly taught on a regular basis, and having seen the damaged individuals that this can produce, I am in a fog about where the truth lies.

In the study group is a person who says that this discipline is a key thread through his life. In his dealings with others, his subconcious thought is one of 'how do I best serve the other in this situation?' He explained it so simply and yet it is also a deep mystery as to how this happens in such a healthy way.

Since Friday, I have allowed the words from the chapter some room in my thoughts. In the stillness before God, I am slowly coming to realise that, although I struggle with this discipline, it is there in my life. I would tentatively suggest that the loving Father has been gently opening my eyes and showing me some simple examples:

1. I come home exhausted at the end of a busy day and the neighbour (aged 8) turns up at the door asking me to help with homework. When I say ''come in", then I am putting his needs before my own. When I say "just 30 minutes today", then I am setting a healthy boundary for myself.
2. A friend tells me that she is moving abroad to live. When I congratulate her and join in her celebration even though I know that I will miss her companionship then I am putting her interests above my own. When I tell her later that I will miss her then I am being true to my own emotions.
3. I have two weeks holiday from work. When I use these weeks to go to Romania and help the education project in the shanty town of Iasi, then I am putting the needs of others before my own. When I choose to stay in a comfortable hotel during these weeks then I am balancing the submissive act with a restorative one.

I suspect that this is a discipline that will be a lifelong discovery. That perfectionism in me wants me to arrive in the perfect place immediately; to understand the great mysteries of God in a moment; to be what He desires now.

As someone else in the group said: Walk this journey "centimetre by centimetre".